Tonight we are in the camper van in Northampton.
I have been drinking with a copper.
It is late, and we are collapsing, but I wanted just to write to you before we passed out.
We left my father at almost ten last night and drove down here.
I was falling asleep, and would have liked to stop, but Mark was driving, and doggedly kept on. We were listening to the story, and it is a good job I know what happens, because I am quite sure that I was asleep for most of it, even the bits where my eyes were still open. He had the window open so that the fresh air would help, and we ate blackberry and apple sweets. These did set in the end, although not as much as jelly babies so they are still not right. I will wrap them in chocolate and give them to everybody at Christmas.
In the end we pulled over beside the police station and fell asleep, and this morning we drove round to Lucy’s house.
Lucy was in a tizz.
I think that everything had got a bit too much.
She was anxious, and flapping, and worried about everything.
We left Mark putting up curtain rails, and walked into town to buy hairnets and things for keeping a policewoman’s hair tidy.
Then Lucy went off to work, and Mark and I sorted her house out a bit.
It is impossible to keep anything tidy when you do not have things like hooks to hang things from.
We put hooks everywhere.
The police have given her stab vests and high vis vests and jackets and hats and gloves.
It is very peculiar. Everything says POLICE on it in big scary letters, even though it is only Lucy.
We hung it all up and made places for her to keep things.
She had not even worked out the heating so it was chilly.
We turned the thermostat up.
When we had finished we went to Tesco and bought lightbulbs and similarly useful things.
We had to rush back because it was almost time for the evening thing we had come to attend.
This was called an Attestation, and it was happening at the Policestation.
All of the young policemen and women had got to go and promise to serve the Queen, and to Uphold the Law, and other important things.
To remind them how important it was, all of their mummies and daddies had been invited to watch.
Dearie me, they were youngsters.
They were not much older than Ritalin Boy.
When we got there we were met at the gate by a policeman in smart uniform with important stripes on his sleeves. Behind him were two policewomen, standing to attention and supervising people coming and going.
It was a shock to realise that one of them was Lucy.
She was allowed to come with us and show us to our seats.
She even walks like a policewoman.
We do not know how they have managed to teach her this already, she has only been there for three days. Perhaps they put weights in their pockets or something.
It could be this because it turns out that they are not allowed to put their hands in their pockets whilst they walk, so perhaps she should start to keep her handkerchief up her sleeve.
I can tell you now, it is mildly un-nerving to be at an event where there are so many police.
I did not have drugs in my pocket or anything because I do not take drugs, but there were so many coppers that I started to feel as though I might have.
One of them was Lucy.
There were some speeches, and then one by one the about-to-be-coppers made their solemn promise to the Queen. The Queen was not there, so they had asked a local magistrate to stand in, and he was nearly as good, and told some inspirational stories.
Then they were all handed their warrant cards and their badges and their certificates and they are now proper policemen. Lucy could arrest us if she felt like it, also obviously she would have to think that we were doing something dodgy first. We are naturally a bit dodgy so probably she would manage that bit.
It was all very splendid. We had sandwiches and coffee afterwards, and made polite noises to important policeman, and then dashed off to be somewhere more lawless.
We had wine and a Chinese takeaway at Lucy’s house, and she was not in a tizz any more. She was relaxed and happy and smiling and comfortable.
She is going to be such a good copper.
