I crawled out of bed this morning to the dispiriting discovery that I had become very poor indeed.
The children, encouraged by Mark’s friend Ted, had taken advantage of my joyously intoxicated state to extract promises of massively inflated financial rewards for their supportive efforts last night. Oliver stood over me whilst I transferred it into his bank account, and then suggested that I read my diary.
It was not my finest parenting moment.
I was not very well.
Mark was not very well either. We must have drunk a very lot, because he does not get shocking hangovers often.
Somehow he managed to get up and take Lucy to the railway station. I stayed in bed.
His friend Ted sent him a text suggesting that eleven might be a better time to start work than half past eight, so when he came back he got back in bed as well.
He had very thoughtfully set an alarm to wake us up in time for him to go to work and for me to take Oliver to the dentist, which fortunately is just across the road.
I had forgotten about the dentist. Oliver reminded Mark last night. He showed him the entry in the desk diary and demanded reassurance that somebody would sober up sufficiently to escort him. He explained that I had already forgotten one dentist appointment for him this week, and that this one was the last chance before he went back to school.
I am a New Year’s Resolution failure on practically every count imaginable, even including the one I made on Mark’s behalf about making lots of money at his non-profit job. They will not make lots of money today. They are both very delicate.
I took Oliver to the dentist.
I stood as far away from the dentist as I possibly could, in case I smelled of stale drink and misbehaviour.
I tried not to inhale the various dentistry odours and controlled my stomach with determination.
Then I came home and tidied up.
Mark had already done some of this last night, which is why I married him, but he had been a little the worse for wear and there was still a great deal left to be done.
I restored order.
It had been a lovely night, except that I had been so very frightened I had forgotten to eat anything first, and then drank quite a lot of wine very quickly.
Mark’s friend Ted and his wife are ace. They are very good company for behaving badly. They laughed about me failing to be civilised on the taxi rank, and were warm and interesting and talkative. I liked them very much indeed.
Their children were small and funny and talkative, including an adorable baby who sat in a high chair and gurgled endearingly until he suddenly fell unexpectedly asleep.
It was happy.
I do not need to be worried that Mark’s friend Ted will not like me. In actual fact we are really very similar, which is presumably why Mark likes both of us.
Once order was restored I decided that I needed a gentle thing to do with my day, and spent a quiet couple of hours listening to a play on the radio and sewing patches onto the elbows of Mark’s jacket.
The play was about some children practising mind control on the people around them, they could have taken some tips from Oliver and Lucy last night.
Numbers One and Two Daughters both took the opportunity to telephone me. Both of them laughed a very great deal, and I could hear Number One Son-In-Law in the background laughing as well. Mark came home from work and said that his friend Ted was obviously starting with the sore throat illness that I have had, because he was not very well either.
We went back to bed for a little sleep before we went to work. I am on the taxi rank now, and you will be charitably pleased to hear that I am actually feeling rather better.
Mark came and sat in my taxi with me to drink tea, and said that he liked being married to me, we have some brilliant times together.
He was absolutely right. We do.
When I came to put a picture on the top of this I discovered several incriminating photographs on my phone, taken by the children for blackmail purposes last night.
I have included one at the top.
