The day has been what Mark has eloquently described as an Epic Fail.
By this he means that it has been a day in which he intended to come home and complete his algebra homework, as a responsible Adult Learner funded by the social benevolence of the County Council.
Actually what happened was that Number One Son-In-Law came round and made us both too intoxicated to think straight, and now it is both bedtime, and we are drunk and stupid.
I am very drunk. Every time I try to stand up I realise this.
It is a bit embarrassing because I have been trying for many years to convince Number One Son-In-Law that I am a sensible grown-up and not directly responsible for Number One Daughter’s traumas or other personality disorders: and I have failed, not for the first time. Instead of being a properly mature human being able to listen with benevolent interest and offering sagely considered words of wisdom, I have become an unintelligible smirking drunk, telling mildly off-colour stories without a punchline, in the way of drunk people.
Up until that point the day was not too bad.
I have been shopping with the lodger.
She is about to become an ex-lodger, having found herself a flat.
It is a nice flat, and she has got lots of interior design ideas. I have got these but when it actually comes to the shopping for paint some internal nutter whispers in my ear and instead of linen-and-cream-and-wheat I come home with brilliant orange and purple and emerald green in the trolley. Regular readers might recall this particular interior design failure. It was so striking that we did have to paint it out, the only other place where I have seen this combination was the Hall Of Mirrors at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. It wasn’t great in there either.
We were not shopping for paint. She was helping me with my regular Supermarket Dash. This is where I rush around Asda in an unhappy daze, throwing randomly attractive items into the trolley and purchasing them with Mark’s credit card.
It filled two trolleys and cost an absolute fortune. I had made a long list of everything we had run out of, or might run out of, or just wanted to eat more of, and we bought all of those things. We also bought things that I wanted but had forgotten to list, and a lot more things that were attractively placed on the shelves at eye level with an alluring yellow supermarket promotion ticket. Usually I resist this sort of thing but by the time we were halfway round my willpower was exhausted, and I gave in to everything. If you are a shareholder in Asda it has been your lucky day.
Unpacking took ages and we had only just finished when Number One Son-In-Law rang to say that he was going to come and see us.
We haven’t seen him for ages, and I was really excited.
It is tiresome to have become too drunk to have had anything sensible to say.
I am going to go to bed for this very reason.
Sorry and all that.
Goodness me, I am drunk…
