This morning I traced the revolting smell in the conservatory to the discovery that one of the tiresome, horrible, stupid dogs had actually been sick on the sofa.
It is all very well being on one’s last legs, possibly dying and having cancerous growths and toothache, but there are limits.
I told both the dogs, just to make sure that had got the right one, that nobody would ever love either of them ever again, that they were alone and friendless in the world, and that if ever anybody were to offer me a small cute fluffy lovely dog, they would be rejected at the drop of a collar and sent to end their days in a dog pound.
They looked miserable. I am not ever quite sure how much English they actually speak.
I dragged the sofa covers off and stuffed them in the washing machine. After that I scrubbed the sofa arms with a probably toxic mixture of disinfectant and vinegar and washing up liquid. The sick had not been on the sofa arms but they were pretty horrible anyway. Hopefully the disgusting smell will keep the dogs off the sofa at least until it wears off.
After that I steam-cleaned the whole thing. It took ages and didn’t really look very much better. When I win the lottery I am going to buy an upholstery man. He can come and make my house look beautiful again.
I cleaned the carpet as well. This was equally unrewarding, so I moved the table over the worst bits and yearned for a fortune. When the school-fee days are over, maybe.
Once I had finished feeling dissatisfied with the conservatory I moved to the other end of the house and hauled Oliver’s school bags down out of the loft and arranged their contents all over Lucy’s room. They occupied the bed, the chest of drawers and the desk and chair, and some of the floor, but afterwards I could see what I had got.
Fortunately most of his PE kit still fits. I have told him that I am not going to purchase rugby boots, despite the fact that they are starred on the school kit list as COMPULSORY ITEM. He played one game of rugby last year before switching his options to badminton, wearing a pair of boots which cost fifty six quid. He can make a rubbish excuse and slope off, or play in his socks, whichever he prefers.
Once I had made a colossal mess I had to dash off to take the camper van for the next episode in the MOT test series. This meant all of the usual faffing about moving the car in and the camper van out of its parking space, panicking and crunching the gears as I go.
I was in a dithery flap by the time I got to the garage, and the mechanic was cross as well, because he had to move the van and it does not have power steering and everything is on the other side.
However, he had clearly been taking advice from Gavin Williamson.
“It’s passed,” the mechanic said grumpily. “Now get the bloody thing out of ‘ere before the Ministry turns up.”
It has passed. It is qualified. It can now apply for its place at Oxbridge with no further ado.
I went to do some shopping on the way home, which was dreadful. I had to wrap the scarf over my face and I loathe and detest it. I am not very good at shopping at the best of times, but suddenly I am no good at all at thinking of soap powder and cooking oil and spaghetti hoops, all of which I forgot, along with lots of other things. My hands keep poking at my face as if I had a nervous tic, and all I can think of is the sound and feeling of my breathing, and how much I would like to run away. I almost did run away a couple of times, and had to steel myself to keep going. I fortified my efforts with the recollection of how ghastly it would be to get home and not have anything for dinner, and made myself carry on.
As it happened we didn’t have anything for dinner, because I had forgotten pretty much everything except things like chocolate buttons and raspberries. These are nice but hardly the solid stuff of sustenance for working men, and I had to get some pasta out of the freezer in the end. However on the plus side it was very cheap indeed. I kept looking at the trolley in vague concern, wondering why I had not even covered the bottom of it.
Of course I had made a list. I forgot that as well.
I am going to have to go back in a couple of days and get things like flour and loo roll and tin foil.
I am not at all looking forward to it.
