I woke up with a horrible jump, quite certain that it was half past twelve and I had missed my morning’s class, but I hadn’t.
I don’t even know how I managed to think that, because actually it was just after nine o’clock, which does not look anything like half past twelve on the clock face, but I sat there staring at it with a sick feeling of failure until eventually consciousness drifted in, and I realised that the world was still a place of contentment and safety.
I couldn’t go back to sleep then, although there wouldn’t have been much point, since the alarm was set for ten, and so Mark made coffee and we set the day into motion.
Mark did not wake up by himself. He had been woken up by my leaping up, and by my silent yell of horror that you can’t help but hear even if you are asleep.
We were not very wakeful. We finished work at four in the morning, and collapsed into bed quite some time later, once we had told one another about our night’s adventures, emptied the dogs and counted our winnings. This did not add up to a very lot of sleep, I think everybody who teaches the Sunday lectures must imagine that I have a very riotous life, because I always turn up looking haggard.
Mark kindly pegged the washing on the line and disappeared off to the farm with the dogs, so that I could concentrate on the lecture without the background distraction of dogs fighting one another under the desk and stealing my flip flops. This helped a great deal, although it was a bit of a wasted effort, because today’s lecture was about writing for television.
I have got no interest whatsoever in television.
I like to watch films on Amazon, and we have watched some things like A Game Of Thrones, which we thought was brilliant, but I do not like television.
Nothing that I have learned has inclined me to alter this opinion.
If you want to write for television there is a rigid formula. You have got to stick to this. There is no scope whatsoever for creating a believable story, a reflection of actual life, or anything truly interesting.
It has got to be simple, dramatic and consist of three-dimensionally flawed characters who are impeded in reaching their goals because they suffer from internal conflict and layered backstories.
These bits came in capital letters to make sure we got the point.
Characters are very important. The story does not count much and is included basically as a vehicle for giving the characters an opportunity to resolve their internal conflict and layered backstories. Sometimes the story is handy for other appealing things like a chance for explosions or car chases as well.
To write a story for television you have got to include all of these things, and then send a pitch and a Look Book to a film company, They will look at the Look Book, which you are supposed to fill with pictures of things that look like your story, and then presumably tell you to buzz off and add some more explosions and car chases, and make your characters a bit more flawed.
This is why we see so many television dramas about alcoholic policemen, battered wives, abusive parents and corrupt judges. People whose flaws don’t get in the way too much are never going to star in television dramas. Hence you are always going to be lumbered with endless boring drivel about conflicted gay wrestlers or gambling-addicted nurses. I think I have plenty of flaws, a tendency to swear, drive too fast and be rude to stupid people being on the list. These will never make me the subject of a television drama. Life is just not interesting enough.
The lady who gave the talk this afternoon was engaged in writing a comedy about two serial killers on a single university campus hoping to out-compete one another, and who might then potentially fall in love.
I was unimpressed by this as mass entertainment, my opinion of serial killers, being individuals like Myra Hindley, is that there is not much in the way of side-splitting humour to be found in the topic, but it would appear that I am in a minority, and that some television moguls were encouraging her.
I am so glad not to have television.
I have crossed Screenwriter off my list of things I want to do when I grow up.
