I was astonished this morning by a brief note from Barclays announcing that there was one thousand, seven hundred and forty six pounds and thirty five pence in our bank account.
Such a sum is entirely beyond any financial expectations we might have anywhere, and indeed, we had just finished scraping down the back of the taxi seats and checking the pockets of our smart jackets, hoping to discover some forgotten wealth. This was because my taxi was in the most urgently urgent need of new tyres, and as always we have spent all of our money on more exciting things.
I investigated directly, which led me to the disappointing discovery that in fact it was Lucy’s money, because she has sold some of her stocks and shares in order to put together a deposit on a house. The stocks and shares account is linked to our bank, because when the children first started trading in the financial world they were not eighteen and I had to pretend that it was me doing it, which it wasn’t.
Lucy has, excitingly, put an offer in on a house today. Actually my parents have done it on her behalf, since the house is not very far away from them, and they have looked around it for her whilst determinedly trying to imagine how she might like it. They were concerned that the stairs were uncomfortably steep, but I thought that Lucy might mind that rather less than they did, since she is not anticipating her ninetieth birthday in the next few years. Indeed, if she is going to become a detective she will have to be very fit because they do lots of running about when they are on the television, and I am quite sure you can rely on the trustworthy BBC not to make that sort of thing up. Running up steep staircases after villains and driving an unmarked police car at high speed through drug-riddled council estates will be her career from now on. She will also have a wife and children appearing at least once an episode, to show her human side and give her a character arc as she comes to terms with excessive drinking.
I know how these things go. I learned about it at university. I am at Cambridge, I don’t know if I told you, and we learned all about the BBC the term before last.
Anyway, I sent the money to Lucy directly, before it had any accidental vanishing misfortunes. These things happen to money if it is left in my care for too long, like a newly-landed migrant on a Kentish beach.
When I looked again there was three pounds and thirty five pence in our bank, which was what I had expected, and carried on hunting under the taxi seats.
Mark went off to work. He was not supposed to be at work, but Ted telephoned with an emergency which Ted could not himself fix because he has sloped off on his yacht, probably he is trying to be an expat for tax purposes. I was cross about this because I had been looking forward to having a day off and not doing very much, but instead I have swept the kitchen and put new tyres on my taxi and am now on the taxi rank, earlier than usual because of the money for the tyres.
I have made six pounds so far, but it was in two-pound coins, so it doesn’t count. We are not allowed to spend those. They are squirrelled away in our skeleton-head money box and saved for Christmas. The skeleton-head is only raided under the most desperate of circumstances. We are not quite there yet.
By a stroke of good fortune, for Ted at least, we were actually up and drinking coffee when he called to request Mark’s presence this morning. This was because of seeing Oliver and the not-yet-Mrs. Oliver off on their wonderful Manchester adventure. They were going on the train, so we took them to the station. They could have walked, because the station is really just over the road from our house and takes no time at all, especially if you take the short-cut past the allotments and scramble up the bank and over the fence into Booths car park, but we wanted to wave them off, so we all went together. I was almost as excited as they were, because Manchester is always a glorious place to spend a few days, filled with bright lights and exotic foreign food and irresistible opportunities for parting with money.
They sent me a message from a pub some time later. They have arrived and are having a lovely time. I did not ask if they had already parted with all of their money, but I don’t suppose it will take very long.
I am still on the taxi rank.
I am going to concentrate on earning some money.
LATER NOTE: I earned enough to pay for the tyres. I am going to bed content.
