I apologise for the absence of last night’s post.
I wrote it and then forgot to put it online. I was most surprised to discover this when I started writing tonight’s epistle, and considered just uploading last night’s and then having a night off.
This seemed like cheating when I have had so many nights off of late, not that they were especially restful or energising, and so I have resolved to carry on.
I am not carrying on because I have had any exciting adventures, indeed, quite the converse. I am sorry to say that I have spent a very lot of today wrestling with the Inland Revenue.
This was metaphorical, you understand. They have not been at our house making physical threats, although I think it might have been easier had they done so. At least then I wouldn’t have had to try and communicate with them via their wretchedly complicated website.
I am trying to register to pay ourselves through the Inland Revenue’s PAYE scheme. I registered when we started the company, and they sent me a special reference number.
Some weeks ago I entered the reference number into their website and tried to set up our PAYE scheme.
The website explained, testily, that this was not the right way to do things. What I had to do, now I had my unique reference number, was to fill in their long online form, and request a special PAYE reference number. This, they added, helpfully, would be sent through the post.
I groaned, but complied. I would like to manage our own PAYE. It is a small but satisfactory achievement.
I waited and waited and waited for the number to arrive. For four whole weeks I leaped on the post every morning with far more excitement than I have ever felt on Valentine’s Day, and this morning, to my satisfied excitement, there was a brown envelope on the mat.
It was the coveted PAYE number. I clutched it in huge excitement. Today, at long last, would be the day.
Hence, when I had tramped over the fells in the current outbreak of uninspiring August weather, and hung the washing out to billow and blow off the lines, I rushed upstairs excitedly to commence PAYE.
I filled everything in. There were several false starts whilst I worked out exactly what was the right thing to tell them, because if you get it wrong they estimate your tax, assuming you are earning some colossal sum that you wouldn’t even bother daydreaming about. You have to give them the tax as well, even if you don’t owe it to them, on the vague promise that they will give it you back if there is any left when they have finished wasting it on MP’s expenses and empty aeroplanes bound for Rwanda.
In the end, eventually, after hours and hours of faffing about, I thought I had got it right, and clicked the Send button with some relief.
A large red ERROR notice flashed on to the screen. I stared at it in horror.
Your submissions have not been uploaded, the screen explained, loftily. This is because you have made an error. Click this link for details.
Wearily, I clicked the link.
After a very lot of scowling and frowning I found the right page.
If you have registered tor PAYE, the webpage explained, haughtily, you cannot use the system until you have been granted access. In order to gain access you must first upload here the PAYE number you should have received in the post, and then you will be granted a single use access code.
I uploaded the precious PAYE number again.
Thank you, the website said. Your single use access code will arrive in the post in approximately seven working days time. Please be warned that if you do not register using your single use code before 20th September it will become void and you will have to start the application process again.
I switched the computer off in despair.
The last number took weeks and weeks to arrive. I am not holding out any hope at all for the single use code. I foresee my PAYE becoming trapped in an endless loop of waiting for HMRC to post me things that do not arrive until it is too late to use them
Still, it is nice to have something to look forward to.
I can start waiting excitedly by the front door for brown envelopes to arrive again.
Life is just full of thrills.
