Cleverness

I have had a response from the Co-op.

It was not the sort of response that says: no, buzz off, or even, yes, come for interview.

To my surprise, it was a critique of my responses to their personality quiz.

You will recall that as part of the application form, I had to answer some questions about the way I might behave if I were lucky enough to be offered work in the Co-op.

Today the results were helpfully sent to my email, along with some supportive advice, as if I might somehow be longing to know what the Co-op’s computer thought about my personality.

You will not be surprised to learn that I was instantly infuriated.

The whole thing was patronising twaddle, and when I read it I suddenly recalled that I had been required to take a similar test in the past, when I applied for their job at the funeral parlour.

I remembered this because I had got virtually identical, and equally inaccurate results.

It was a lengthy assessment of my personality, accompanied by some bullet points of advice, in case I might like to try improving myself.

It revealed that I like to get on well with customers and am a brilliant team player, although it noted that I might not always feel comfortable with trusting other Co-op colleagues.

The last bit was true at any rate. I am not sure that any of my current customers would be likely to agree with the rest.

Also, it added, I become anxious in stressful situations, and lack self-confidence.

Their advice suggested kindly that I might like to consider things that might help me cope should I be misfortunate enough to find myself in a stressful situation, and also ask myself why I preferred to let other people take control when it came to important decision making.

Perhaps, it advised, I ought to think about how I could become more capable of expressing my opinions to other people, clearly and consistently.

I recalled then that after the last time I took the test, I expressed my opinions to the Co-op’s HR department very clearly and consistently indeed, in a long and detailed email explaining exactly why I thought their test was not only absolute rubbish but was an expression of arrogance beyond anything I could imagine.

It doesn’t look as if they read it after all.

I did wonder about expressing my opinions consistently by writing to them again and telling them what I thought all over again, but the sun was shining and so I decided that on balance it just wasn’t worth it.

I do not think they are likely to employ me. Do not hold your breath.

In any case, something splendid has happened today.

We have started to eat our own home-grown lettuce.

Not just lettuce, but all of the oddly shaped leafy stuff that you buy in expensive bags from Booths. I have got no idea what any of it is, but it is spicy and peppery and ethically sound and costs fifty pence more.

We grew some of that. Actually we have grown lots of it. Obviously if you are going to grow something you ought to grow the most expensive one, so we have.

We have grown ordinary lettuce as well, which is also nice. Somehow it tastes loads better when it is fresh and perfect and still warm from the sun in the conservatory, and so far neither of us has eaten a single slug by accident.

We are immeasurably pleased with ourselves, how jolly clever we must be.

We are living off the land, or at any rate off the lettuce bed on the shelf in the conservatory.

We had some with our dinner last night and we liked it so much that we had some more for breakfast. We might not have it for breakfast every day. We have grown a lot but probably not enough to live on it. All the same, we are going to have some more with dinner this evening.

The picture is not of lettuce but of sweet peas, which probably the more horticulturally astute of you will have spotted. We have planted these into the big flower bed in the conservatory, and today we installed some wire for them to climb. You might notice that there are some peppers, and some moonflower seedlings beside them, and of course there is the wonderful banana tree in the corner.

It has grown a new leaf. We have been watching this with fascinated interest.

This might be because we are in lockdown and don’t have television, of course.

It is all getting excitingly full. I had a joyful surprise today, because I have planted some melon seeds which have not germinated at all. I have been sad about this, and concerned, and even dug one of them up to see if anything awful, like a slug, had happened to it, but it hadn’t. It was simply flat and uninspired.

I wanted to grow melons, because we have got a wonderfully hot conservatory, and beds full of muck and worms, and there can be no better result than melons.

I have left them alone and hoped, but there has been no result, and it is almost a fortnight now.

Today I discovered some unexpected seedlings in the big flower bed. They were broad and solid, and looked like rather sunflowers, which puzzled me, because although I have planted lots of sunflowers, they are all outside now, and in the front garden. I did not remember that I had planted sunflowers into the conservatory flower bed.

Eventually, after some poking about, I discovered a dried out seed husk beside one, and realised that they were, in fact, self-seeded melons.

I was very pleased indeed about this. They have grown from the melon seeds we have chucked into the compost, and actually they are doing very nicely indeed.

Of course I know that it is entirely possible that they will be from an F1 hybrid sort of plant, and might not do as well as a properly bought seed, but I am very pleased all the same. Even if the others do not show at all, we will still have melons in the summer. Very probably some of them will be all right.

They will go beautifully with lettuce.

How jolly clever we are.