I have today had all sorts of excursions, the first of which was a jolly pleasant visit to my friend Elspeth, who took the opportunity to give us a guided tour through some new woodland she has purchased.
That is to say, it is new to Elspeth, not new woodland. Obviously new woodland would be fairly dull and not much more than knee-high. It is old woodland, newly purchased by Elspeth.
I hope I have explained myself properly now.
Anyway, it was not raining almost at all, and we had a very happy ramble. The woods are absolutely carpeted with bluebells, with a little stream merrily burbling through the middle. Crab apple and oak, rowans and anemones are all flourishing amid a thick carpet of moss, and it was all so magical and lovely that it felt as though we should have had a pocket full of breadcrumbs to leave behind us, although it turned out that Elspeth and John knew the way back anyway so it was all right. The dogs charged about and got filthy, and Elspeth’s dog charged off and plunged into a bog, which made him entirely repellent to anybody who might otherwise have said What a handsome dog. Really dogs are brainless creatures. Elspeth’s dog is easily as boneheaded as Roger Poopy, and that takes some doing.
The difficulty Elspeth has is the proliferation of holly thickets that have begun to shoot up amongst it all. It has become a complete weed and is going to cause her endless hours of holly-extermination. It is very nice in some ways, especially if you were an outlaw trying to hide from the Sheriff of Nottingham, but if you were going to bring a picnic you might wish to bring some decking to sit on as well.
We admired it very much, and although Elspeth thought she might sell some of it I couldn’t help but hope that she doesn’t. It is rather nice to potter through Wild Woods which stretch far enough for you to have had enough long before you reach their boundary. Also we thought we might help her burn some of the fallen trees. You can never have too much firewood.
When we got back we had coffee, which was a great pleasure because I have not bothered to drink coffee during Mark’s absence. This is not because I do not like it, but because it has seemed such a waste of time to sit around just drinking something, time which could be better occupied with getting firewood sawn up or laundry pegged out, and loafing about around a kitchen table was wonderful.
Afterwards Elspeth hunted through her collection of Might Be Useful One Day Clutter in her barn and unearthed, among other things, a very Useful Today motorised chair for us to take down to my father. This turned out to be a magnificent invention, designed to enable elderly people to terrify pedestrians, and it looked so splendid I think probably I would like one myself when my knees collapse. It goes really surprisingly fast and has a siren to warn children and dogs to get out of the way, which is probably a good idea. You don’t need a licence for one or anything, and there isn’t even any road tax, probably because our beloved leaders haven’t thought of it yet, I suppose it will come.
When we took it home we thought that it was such a marvellous thing that we would take it down straight away, so instead of unloading it and putting it in the camper until next week, which had been the original intention, we had a very late breakfast and then dashed off. This was yet another massive shirk, because there were all sorts of things we should have been doing, but it was Mark’s first day back, so it felt like it ought to be a holiday, so we didn’t do them.
This also turned out to be a happy decision. Lucy came across as well, and we all went out for an early pub dinner, which was ace. I have been trying to become less rounded and have not eaten a single chocolate button for days and days now, which I ruined with chicken in sauce, fried onion rings and a pile of chips, I will never get thin at this rate.
I don’t care. It was brilliant.
In the end we had to dash back, because of coming to work, and I am here now, but it does not matter in the least because we have had such a splendid day.
We have been to a holly wood and back again.
