Horrid

It is difficult to know what to write tonight.

I have been trying to find something cheerful and nice to write but I just can’t, so I thought that I would tell you the horrible unpalatable truth.

This is that completely unreasonably I woke up this morning feeling very upset and left out that Mark spent last night having a brilliant time at a concert without me.

After that I made my day worse by playing lots of romantic Elton John music to myself and deciding that I liked it really and wishing that I had gone, and making myself feel more miserable.

Mark was fairly oblivious to this and went off to go and get a new wheel bearing to fit to his car. I did the washing and made a curry and listened to Elton John and felt sad. Elspeth helpfully sent me lots of pictures and a text saying how brilliant it had been.

I told myself that I was being ridiculous, which I was, and when Mark came back with his wheel bearing I went off to work to try and make myself feel better, and Mark and Oliver built their new go-cart. They sent me a picture, but I didn’t feel better.

Mark phoned up to talk about going to the cinema tonight to take Oliver to see Jurassic World, which I wanted to see very much, but I was so cross and unhappy I told him to take Oliver by himself because I didn’t want to go, so he did.

They have gone to the cinema now, and I am on the taxi rank feeling sulky and unreasonable and out of sorts with myself and the world.

I don’t at all like feeling like this. It is making my throat feel lumpy and my chest feel tight, and I know it is making me not a nice person. When people come and get in the taxi I don’t want to smile and be cheerful, so I am not being. I am being growly and gruff, and so nobody is getting out feeling a happy holiday feeling because they have had a nice journey.

I am trying hard to make myself behave better. I have thought about raindrops on roses as hard as I could, but it didn’t work, and I am still being horrid. I thought about it for a bit, and thought that perhaps the problem could be that underneath I might really feel like crying, although I was not quite sure why, and in any case when I went off quietly by myself for a few minutes to see if any tears would come out, they didn’t and I just went on feeling sad.

The thing is that I really don’t imagine for a minute that Mark would want to be with somebody else instead of me, even just to go to a concert, because I know that he loves me and not somebody else, so I know inside that I am not upset about that.

I know that I didn’t really want to see Elton John very much either, and couldn’t have gone anyway because of Oliver being at home, and even today I am not horrid enough to think that it would have been better if we had both missed it.

It is just that I feel sad, and cross, and lonely, which is my own fault because I am not talking to anybody: but all the same it is a dreadful way to feel when the sun is shining.

Since I am telling you the dark and secret truth, the very worst bit of all is that I am quite sure that I could cheer myself up if I put my mind to it, but that something awful and wicked inside of me doesn’t really want to be cheered up. It wants to grumble and feel badly done to and is holding on really tightly to my upset feelings in its awful claws, which is dreadful, because inside I know really that I don’t have a single thing that I can sensibly feel upset about in any case.

It is always possible that I am just a horrid person today. I think that the best thing that I can probably do is go to bed and hope that when I wake up tomorrow I will be a nicer one.

I promise that I will keep you posted.