Unplugged

I was late for work.

I have had a frantically busy day, and thought that I would be prepared early. I would not need to rush around at the last minute, and I would set off to the taxi rank in a glorious spirit of relaxed and mellow tranquillity.

I managed this magnificently. By five o’clock I had everything marvellously organised. My picnic was ready, the cheese on toast waiting under the grill, the dogs were emptied, the tea was stewing to a thick black paste on top of the stove. Everything was perfect.

I was very pleased to find that I had time to spare, and rather than waste it I thought I would dive upstairs and just spend a few minutes writing my dissertation.

An hour later of course I had forgotten all about work until it occurred to me that the grandfather clock was making an awful lot of dings. After that I had to rush about, throwing everything into a bag, tripping over the dogs and swearing. When I got to the taxi rank I was out of breath and flustered, and not at all inclined to be patient and welcoming with idiots who had already drunk too much even though it had hardly gone dark.

It has been an exciting day in my little life, I can tell you, because I have been to Asda. It is all happening here. Not only did I go to Asda, but I went into the town centre where a man got shirty with me because I did not want to hear about how I could be let off for all the sins I had committed. The complete and comprehensive list of these would not make for very exciting reading at the moment, but I was certainly not going to tell him about them. I might have stayed and chatted to him, but I had only paid for an hour in the car park, so I explained that I was not in need of any news, good or bad, unless he happened to have an update on Jeremy Hunt’s announcements, and he shouted after me that I would regret it one day.

I was disappointed really, I always enjoy discussion, and he looked as though he might be nice once he stopped yelling.

After that I bought some soap and some of my favourite leaf tea and was careful to pass him on the other side of the road on the way back.

I went to Autoparts as well. Regular readers might recall that when I last trekked up Beyond The Wall I had a little heating-failure adventure, during which I miraculously managed to install, all by myself, a new plug-in piece to fix it. I dismantled the glove box and plugged it in all by myself. I hope you remember. I put Mark’s boiler suit on to do it and everything, and repaired my car all by myself in the frozen Scottish wilderness.

It was a car park outside the Travelodge in Elgin, actually, but it was much the same.

Anyway, the spare glove box plug needed replacing, how terrible that sub-zero expedition might have been had it not been there. I wanted another one to sit reassuringly in the glove box, and so we duly ordered one from Autoparts, who sent us a pack of ten. Several telephone calls and some shouty grumbling on my part failed to dent their assurance that everybody purchases ten relay plugs at once, they only last a few years, you know, that will be forty quid please.

Today I ordered another one on eBay for a fiver and took the others back to Autoparts. I am mildly concerned about the overlap, if my heater gives up before the new one arrives I will just have to shiver until it does, either that or go back to Autoparts and eat Humble Pie.

After that I went to Asda. I had made the colossal mistake of doing all of this before breakfast, and by the time I got halfway round I was so ravenous that even the black puddings were beginning to look appealing. When I got home, there was a surprising quantity of chocolate buttons in the shopping bag.

Then dogs were pleased that I was home, and careered brainlessly up and down the alley, barking at some workmen who were restringing the telephone wires, whilst I unloaded the car and brought the latest load of firewood in to be sawn up.

We went for an amble around the Library Gardens together, and I am very pleased to be able to tell you that the sunshine has produced a wonderful flush of cherry blossom.

I think that was the most exciting part of the day. We looked at it for ages. Well, I did. The dogs went off sniffing everybody else’s wee and barking at squirrels.

Also the sun shone.

After that I was late for work, but you know about that.