Rascals

It has been a very uneventful sort of day, mostly characterised by sitting fruitlessly on the taxi rank waiting for people to get fed up of strolling along the side of the lake in the sunshine, which unsurprisingly they didn’t very much.

Only two events have been interesting enough to merit comment for your benefit here, the first of which was a letter which arrived this morning, from Her Majesty’s Courts.

It explained, as a sequel to their various other vague and mildly mysterious communications, which regular readers might recall, that I should indeed expect be called as a witness in their court case, which they anticipated would run all the way through from November until the end of January, and would I kindly keep that period unencumbered of any other commitments.

I thought that this was a bit of an unrealistic expectation, especially since I have got every intention of going to the pantomime, the Christmas markets and anywhere else that I can afford and like the sound of: and so I have already written back to them to express my opinions on the subject, not that they are likely to take any notice.

The whole thing is an exciting saga related to my extremely brief legal career, during which I was employed as a personal and paralegal assistant to a solicitor, but which was rather unceremoniously terminated when he was misfortunately arrested and taken into police custody on suspicion of dodgy practices.

This was somewhat disappointing from my point of view, because I had got every intention of developing an exciting new career which would lead in the end to me to becoming a second Rumpole of the Bailey, and which in any case had all sorts of fascinating byways, more than driving a taxi, at any rate, and I learned all sorts of interesting new things, like the principle of estoppel and the implications of ficiduary duty, and you never know when they might come in handy. Also I liked my erstwhile employer very much indeed, and regretted that I might lose the pleasure of his urbane and witty company in the event of his potential withdrawal from polite society and dispatch off to Kirkham nick.

I have got no idea at all what the police want me to say in court, which is a bit worrying, because with both hands and my feet over my heart I have never seen him engage in anything which I might have considered to be skulduggery, and therefore think that any testimony I might be able to come up with is probably not going to be very helpful to their case.

I couldn’t even testify to his being of a rascally nature, because my usual colleagues are taxi drivers, and in comparison to anybody else that I work with I think he could honestly be described as mild and dull, although possibly not on the list for the Queen’s Honourable award at the moment.

If indeed it turns out that he was guilty, then I think it is a great shame he didn’t mention it to me earlier, as I think we could have used it as a marvellous selling point, because I am quite sure there is a thriving market for dodgy solicitors that we could have tapped into, and we could easily have doubled our business.

I am sorry that I am going to have to go and stand in court and talk about it, whatever it is they want me to say: because he is bright and amusing and I didn’t think that he was wicked.

The second thing that has happened to me today is that when I got my iPad back after Oliver had had it for the weekend I was torn between amusement and horror to realise that it has been used for some Highly Dodgy Practices.

I am not at all in favour of censorship of anything or anybody but there are some things that I really wish that Oliver had thought to censor off the iPad before I saw them.

I will have to explain to him how to Clear Browsing History. If he is going to look at naked ladies on Google than on the whole I think he ought to make sure that I don’t know.

Mark was no help at all. He laughed and said that he thought he ought to have a check on the pages Oliver had looked at to see just how unsuitable they had been.

I think he can talk to Oliver about it himself.